T-shirt tans and calve implants

There is something about not having a tan that causes distrust and pure snobbishness in well bronzed (read "saddlebagged") beach goers.
Even worse is the classic t-shirt tan ( in this case the short wetsuit tan) to make even the most samiritan of sun-worshippers shun you like some much under-cooked Indonesian tofu.
Being from a sun soaked homeland, I just have no desire to look like Bridget Bardot when I'm 40, though I might be tempted to scalp her freshly deceased body for calves and her butt. Yes, believe it or not, it is possible to get calve implants(!)...
If I had known this when I was 15, I could have avoided the whole "cycling to get big calves" period that ended so tragically in the notorious "cycle-by" the girls boarding hostel during sunday lunch on the grass.
An attempt to slow to near stop, so as to take in the "lay" of the land, rapidly disintegrated into failed freeing of feet from foot straps and plummeted into historic grand finale involving lumo attired manchild + twisted metal on tarmac, witnessed by 2 dozen aghast teenage girls.

I now have a tan, but the calves still elude me.