T-shirt tans and calve implants

There is something about not having a tan that causes distrust and pure snobbishness in well bronzed (read "saddlebagged") beach goers.
Even worse is the classic t-shirt tan ( in this case the short wetsuit tan) to make even the most samiritan of sun-worshippers shun you like some much under-cooked Indonesian tofu.
Being from a sun soaked homeland, I just have no desire to look like Bridget Bardot when I'm 40, though I might be tempted to scalp her freshly deceased body for calves and her butt. Yes, believe it or not, it is possible to get calve implants(!)...
If I had known this when I was 15, I could have avoided the whole "cycling to get big calves" period that ended so tragically in the notorious "cycle-by" the girls boarding hostel during sunday lunch on the grass.
An attempt to slow to near stop, so as to take in the "lay" of the land, rapidly disintegrated into failed freeing of feet from foot straps and plummeted into historic grand finale involving lumo attired manchild + twisted metal on tarmac, witnessed by 2 dozen aghast teenage girls.

I now have a tan, but the calves still elude me.

Day 1 - kinda

So here it begins. Being a man of pictures rather than words, I always find it best to keep it byte size.
Formalities first - I big thank you to all my friends and (ex)co-workers for showing me off in fabulous style and medical supplies...
Which brings me rapidly ( readers already dropping off in the back row) to:

New Things I've Learnt on my Travels ( Day 1 ):

1.) Don't ask a local to put 8 litres of petrol into your motorcycle when it only takes 3. This will cause silence, raised eyebrow and pertinent question:
"How long you have bike?"
..."eeeh, 10 minutes"
"How long you drive moto?"
..."eh, 10 minutes"...

2.) Don't attempt quick embarrassed getaway from petrol lean-to using both accelerator and brake. Will result in panicked chickens, irate mange dog and formal motorcycle lesson by concerned local.(quite useful truth be known)

2.) There are 2 fundamental things that single travelers' are unable to do:
a.) take photos of themselves ( see attached photoshop workaround )
and
b.) Put suntan lotion between their shoulder blades.
Therefore, being a man of solutions, find attached first blue print ( and guaranteed best-seller ) of "Nice tan you ol' hottie" Combo Self Photo/Lotion Applicator.

Of course you could just walk up to some Venezuelan skinny dipper and ask her to apply some lotion between you sinewy rear board and get her equally under-attired friend to take the picture of the whole Ibiza-esque fraternade, but after 35, it can all be a bit touch n' go.

3.) You can never have enough Mecurochrome. ( photos hopefully not to follow)